There are hells on this earth I'll never know I just find it helpful to sing about my own So I'm sorry if I'm too up my own I am sorry if this is horrible I am sorry if this is uncomfortable

My mom tried to sell my dads car To a couple of drug dealers We were living in a motel at time And I was in my moms room by time they arrived I heard shouting right outside There were two men there ready to fight And my dad Punched the mans head into the door And I watched from the other side as blood pooled onto the floor And I heard my brother say to the second man to sit down and shut the fuck up But the first mans head made a cracking sound, that must be deep blood Dark, thick and crimson, that must be the blood that makes his brain run And since that day my family likes to joke about it They like to joke about what a bitch the first man was and is But the first mans head made a cracking sound, that must be deep blood And I sat inside watching blood pool on the linoleum I was just in first grade, I don’t know how to clean this up I just went back to playing spongebobs revenge of the Flying Dutchman But kept on hearing that cracking sound and seeing all that blood In an extended stay sometime, somewhere in 2002 It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream that I ought to be leaving It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream that I ought to be leaving It’s all a dream somewhere, sometime in 2002 It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream that I ought to be leaving It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream that I ought to be leaving (Somewhere, sometime, in the back of my mind) I can wake wake up whenever I’d like, I’d like to stop dreaming (Somewhere, sometime, when I cannot find) It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream that I ought to be leaving It’s all a dream, it’s all a dream that I ought to be leaving I can wake wake up whenever I’d like, I’d like to stop dreaming

Ever since I was born The coffee grounds and the tea leaves They all said I was to die A tragic and young death for me Oh, a tragic and young death for me Every star in the night sky Is raining down onto me Every magic 8 ball I ever shook All said that I’d be no good They said I’d be no good All of the the tarot, and sunflower seeds My mother made a star chart of my astrology They all say I’m a bastard, I know So to the depths of hell I’ll go So to the depths of hell I’ll go I was told my life line’s pretty weak And I’m sure I’ve got death my cheek No scrying can help fix me Cause I know where I’m supposed to be Oh, I know where I’m supposed to be Call it destiny or fortune telling All I know is I’ve bought what you’re selling There’s only so much shit you can see Before you give into apathy

“I was once a sweet kid But there are no photos of me smilin” My mother told me over the phone when I was baring my soul About the vague feeling in my life that I had been sodomized And I feel so fucking gross, why'd they not find blood in my clothes? How’d they not see how I was? Scared and avoidant of being touched You went in and out of admitting Terrible things you had done to me And to think of all the terrible things I would do if I could get my hands on to you, I would do if I only knew Where you sleep and where you dream Where you’re hiding from me I would run to the ends of world To give you the pain I think you deserve I would have been a sweeter kid if someone was there to fuck me everyday of my life And were you nice? Did you kiss my lips? Did you hope that I’d keep them tight? And were you kind? Did you tuck me into bed? Did you hope that I’d keep it in my head? Was I good? Did I fulfill all your dreams? Was I just what you needed ? And I would tear you limb from limb just for the crime of hurtin' kids But when I’d see the pain in your eyes I’d feel nothin

Nothin' you can say that would make it all okay There’s nothin' you can do that would make any of this good Sometimes you get fucked as a kid and sometimes you can’t get over it And sometimes I just gotta cry and sometimes I... sometimes I... Think I’m getting over it and images come flooding back Again and again and again and again And I feel so fuckin' sick and I feel like I’m gonna quit and Sometimes people put their lips where you don’t want a kiss and Sometimes someone puts a dick where you don’t want a dick there Sometimes I just gotta hurt myself, sometimes I wanna kill myself Sometimes I just want slam my head, sometimes I just want to be dead But I got remember that some people love me and that they are cheering That I can do it that I can pull through it

Oh, love rose or a pizzo Nature blew and rain knew A couple to sell it to For five bucks or so So I could take the train home Make sure you got some Brillo, things that I didn’t need to know things that I didn’t need to know

Sometimes I like to imagine violence As a form of punishment for what I am But sometimes the fire spreads throughout my head And I actually want to hurt myself instead So I’ll push poison all through my veins Just so I can be no one to blame I’ll drown myself wrapped up in chains And I’ll drag myself through fire and through flames It’s just the way that I was raised to be Uncomfortable with just existing So any time I make a mistake I’m my head, unfortunately I say I’d shoot myself again and again Just so that I can be forgiven I’d shoot myself again and again I’d shoot myself right in the head I’d throw myself right off a cliff I’d push nine inch nails right through my skin So you could know how sorry I am Just for you I’d shoot myself again And again

How many years will it be till I can tear off your bones like the branch of a tree? Till I can pull the skin right off of your cheek and stretch your lips for a kiss for me? And breathe new breath into your casket And speak my mind about how I have been damaged by you And How many years will it be till I can pull the venom right out of your teeth Till I can break your spine and count your rings So I can see what’s poisoning me And how many years will it be Till I can pick the lock you made out of me Till I break the chains that bind me to thee So I can be free But I’ll be alright, yes I’ll be just fine I just needed a moment to cry, I just needed a moment to whine

My body knows the score And I am a couple pages short My body knows the score And I’m in debt for sure If my life was given away And I was reborn my body’d know the score A hole I just can’t ignore

I dig my hands into the dirt, into the earth, into the depths I press my head to Mother Earth, “congregate to me” so I am close to her I’ll lay right here for a while, lay for a time, the dirt is fine I have no ability to separate me from me, me from me I have no nobility, I came from nothing just as my father, just as his father I came as wood, I came as kindling, just for the burning Just for the heat, to clean wretch like me But now I come as mud, I come as the binding, just for the building Just for the beams, for the roof that I seek I came as one, I came from deceit but I came to believe That I can be wonderful things Now I come just for me, Not just for the heat, just to be more than the dirt I see

Every time I smell certain chemicals I think of heroin I think of black tar drippin down my walls as a kid I think of piss on the floor Adults in my home shooting up and stealing all my shit And my mom once fed me her scripts So she could use my piss and pass a test Cause I’d come up clean no traces of meth Cause I’d come up clean no traces of meth Won’t you please be kind to me? Won’t you shine some light on me? Cause pretty things seldom do Oh no, pretty things rarely do Cause pretty things seldom do Oh no, pretty things rarely do Every time I hear a certain voice Strung up and energetic Or I see a middle aged blond woman I think of my mom and I’m scared shitless It happens at work, it happens at school, it happens at home, it happens when I’m completely alone Won’t you be nice to me? Won’t you spend time with me? Cause pretty things seldom do Oh no, pretty things rarely do Every time I feel hands on my back Or I meet a certain kind of older fat man I think of my baby sitters, I think of vivid dreams I never considered Of men holding me to the ground, of men pulling my pants down Was I not invited to the part where they treat us nice? Was I not excited enough to enjoy my life? Was I not invited to the part the teach us how to feel alright? Was I not invited to the part where I don't get treated like a human flesh light? Won’t you protect me? Won’t you please not bruise me? Won’t you keep me safe? Won’t you please not hurt me? Cause pretty things seldom do Oh no, pretty things rarely do Cause pretty things seldom do Oh no, pretty things rarely do Cause pretty things seldom do Oh no, pretty things rarely do

... The difference I can't tell Will the circle be unbroken? By and by, oh, by and by There's a better life awaitin' In due time, in due time Will the circle be unbroken? By and by, oh, by and by There's a better life awaitin' In due time, in due time